


Locum Tenens

by Holladay Street (street)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Emily in Orlando, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Insecurity, Jealousy, Kelley Just Really Likes Attention OK?, Kelley in Denial, Lovers to Idiots to Lovers, Sohara is Endgame
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:34:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22210369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/street/pseuds/Holladay%20Street
Summary: Kelley had never been one for jealousy. Until Alex leaned close to Sonny in the post-game interview and tucked a few blond flyaways behind her ear. Then Kelley burned.
Relationships: Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara, Alex Morgan/Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, Emily Sonnett/Alex Morgan, Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 150
Kudos: 318





	1. Visiting Emily in Portland

**Author's Note:**

> Oh woso, it's been _a week_. I'm still adjusting and having lots of big feels about Sonny's trade to the Pride, along with the rest of you. To cope, the always-resourceful BeaSwann started pitching amazing fic ideas at me about the ramifications of the move. This story (maybe the first O'Sonex fic? I can't tell for sure - there was already a tag) is the result. Many thanks to BeaSwann's unwavering support on things fic-related an otherwise, and to Soran_Rising's enthusiasm and heartfelt campaigning for me to write an actual plot arc for once.
> 
> This is, in some respects, an AU. I'm delighted for irl Alex's imminent parenthood, and for Kelley being partnered - but for the purposes fiction I'm setting those things aside in this story.
> 
> Expect many short chapters on an irregular posting schedule (a la _Miss Kelley Swipes Right_ ) on this one. I'm also still working on _Cherry Bomb_ if you prefer a more disciplined structure.

They didn't know for sure that it _was_ the last time, but it seemed likely. Kelley thought about it, nestled into the heated seat of Emily's car on the way into town from the airport - watching the early winter gray and green streak past the window. She'd gotten awfully used to Portland, for a place that had never been _her_ city. Between Tobin's stubborn insistence to play for the Thorns (and only the Thorns), Alex's early League seasons here, and the past year with Emily, Kelley had always had a good reason to visit.

She hoped the rumors would blow over and she'd be back in April. Maybe a long weekend. Maybe she could catch one of the Thorns pre-season matches, wander Merlo field, admire the huge posters of baby-faced Pinoe and teenage Sinc with a mouthful of braces. She'd frame it as a needed respite from Salt Lake's searingly cold pre-season temperatures, but she doubted the weather would matter much - it never did when she and Emily had a bed to themselves. 

"What are you thinking about?" Emily asked, un-linking her fingers from Kelley's to slide her hand along Kelley's thigh.

"Preaseason." Kelley said. "Do you think the league would agree to do the pre-season exhibition games in Houston or Orlando this year? I'm so tired of being cold."

"Mm, you and Christen both." Emily replied, oddly noncommittal. 

She was still noncommittal an hour later. Kelley was enjoying the jets in the magnificent bathtub in Emily's apartment - especially with Emily's weight sandwiching her back against them - and she asked if Emily was planning to renew her lease.

Emily rolled her head away, still resting against Kelley's chest but angled now so that Kelley couldn't see her face.

"We'll see." was all she said. And Kelley felt her heart sink.

They took a run around the riverfront the next morning, stopping too often to get any real conditioning in, but having the kind of fun with each other that Kelley ached for when they were apart. After racing sprints down the esplanade Emily lead Kelley down to the dock below the Hawthorne bridge. They lay on the chilly decking - gazing across at the city from water-level, admiring how downtown reflected in the still surface of the river. 

Kelley got twitchy after a minute, and chivvied Emily up to make up a dance for Instagram. As she waited for the video to post Emily wrapped herself around Kelley - familiar-smelling and vaguely warm through her winter layers - and smashed her cold nose into Kelley's cheek. Kelley flipped over to her camera and snapped a selfie just for them, twisting to steal a kiss and take one more photo that way - pictures for the ever-expanding private album they would never post.

Emily kept her out of the hotel almost all day - Powells, Crafty Wonderland, their favorite happy hour on the east side, dinner and an outdoor soak at the Kennedy School. She had a sort of restless energy about her, pulling Kelley along to the next thing before she was quite finished with the last one, and finding a quiet spots everywhere they went to reel Kelley in for kisses.

When they finally tumbled into the big white bed in Kelley's hotel room it was like Emily's strings were cut. She curled away from Kelley, still half dressed, as Kelley slipped out of her clothes. 

"Hey Sonnett." Kelley sprawled herself over Emily, digging her toes into Emily's calves the way she knew Emily hated, and not paying too much attention to where her elbows went. 

"Ugh, you're all pointy. Put them away." Emily complained, squirming under Kelley and burying her face in the pillow.

"Emily. What's wrong?" Kelley prodded again.

"We can talk about it later. Everything's fine."

"Says the girl who won't look at me."

"Ugh..." Emily said again, but after another minute she rolled over and wrapped a leg around Kelley and buried her face against Kelley's shoulder.

"I'm not renewing my lease." Emily mumbled against Kelley's skin. And Kelley felt her heart drop again. She'd been in the league too many years, had been the new face on too many teams, not to know what that meant.

"Where?" she asked gently. "Is it for sure? The expansion draft next year will reshuffle everything anyway - are you sure you're going _this_ year?"

"It's a probably." Emily took a deep breath, wriggling a little under Kelley to get more comfortable. "They want the first round draft pick - Macario if they can get her. We need more speed up front. Our back line is pretty solid - I mean, the Thorns' back line."

"Fuck." Kelley breathed. "Orlando?"

"I think so." Emily replied, words spilling out now that she'd unbottled them. "I kind of volunteered . . . I mean, I didn't ask to go, I don't _want_ to go. But someone had to - Portland wasn't going to be able to keep five allocated players this season, no matter what. And watching how much Lindsey's still learning from Tobin is . . . I get that kind of practice with you and Broon at camp, but I don't have it at the club. If I could play with Ali for a while, and maybe help build the team into something . . . it's like I can see all these possibilities, but, Kelley, I have no idea how they'll work out, I could just be making the hugest mistake . . . "

"You're gonna do great." Kelley murmured, smoothing Emily's hair and rocking her a little. "I promise. I think you're right, babe - it could be a good career move. You're so skilled, you're already _so_ good, but the way you _learn stuff_ . . . I wanna see you keep improving like you improve when we're together at camp."

"Do you think playing with Ali is a good decision? I almost feel like I'm guessing - we hardly played together until this year. I wish it could be you, Kel . . ."

"I wish it could too, babe. But Utah . . . we're high on allocated players too. I think Ali would be a great mentor for you. I'm so excited for the player you're turning into, babe. And Alex is there too, and Sydney is awesome - you'd have some good buddies in Orlando."

Emily muttered something Kelley didn't catch, and Kelley stroked her hair - taking a minute to process everything the change would mean. But then Emily started squirming, suddenly tense, and moving like she couldn't decide whether she was burrowing into Kelley's body or away from it.

"Babe?" Kelley asked, angling so she could see Emily's face where it was pressed against her chest.

"Would I?" Emily asked, tiny and mournful.

"I missed what you said." Kelley replied. "Would you what?"

"I'd have some good buddies, but . . . would I still have you?"

The question hung there for a beat as Kelley realized what she'd missed.

"Of course, babe." Kelley scooted down until she could cradle Emily's face in her hands. "Of course you'll have me. We'll still see each other plenty. It's not like we're in the same city now."

"But, like . . ." Emily's eyes were huge and a little hesitant as she searched for the words, ". . . the same as now?"

There were no words, of course. They hadn't put labels on any of this on purpose - Kelley's career balanced on the health of one wobbly ankle, and Emily still building towards the peak of hers. They hadn't needed words so far, and Kelley almost hoped they wouldn't need to choose them now. Kelley'd been through the upheaval of joining a new team. If a few things - just a few - could stay exactly how they were for Sonny she knew the whole transition would be easier. Maybe this, them, could be one of those things.

"You're still my first phone call." were the words Kelley settled on, smoothing her thumbs over Emily's cheeks. "And I'm still gonna go down on you every chance I get."

"God, I hope so." Emily cracked a smile at that. "I'd miss that - I'd miss _you_. I _do_ miss you, even how we are now."

"Me too." Kelley agreed. There was more she could say, maybe _should_ say, but it felt like a too-big conversation. So she just whispers "me too" again against Emily's cheek and presses kisses there. She was always better at showing than telling.

Emily gave a little "Mm" and leaned up into her, chasing her mouth until they were kissing.

Kelley felt Emily's arms go around her, and she settled against Emily's body - pushing a thigh between her legs as soon as her tongue slipped into Kelley's mouth. This took the place of talk for them, so often, both of them far more used to speaking with their bodies than their words.

Kelly ground against Emily - wanting the reassurance of connection as much for herself as for the woman under her. But Emily was right there with her, sucking Kelley's tongue into her mouth as she fumbled the last of her clothes off and then tangling her fingers in Kelley's hair and pulling her down hard. 

They were both breathless by the time Kelley nudged her way fully between Emily's thighs and muttered "I want my hands all over you - you bring the strap from your place?"

"Yeah, fuck . . ." Emily moaned. She made a move towards her backpack and then stilled. "I don't know if I want . . . "

"Do me then?" Kelley suggested.

"Fuck! Yeah . . . Kels, oh fuck . . ." Emily still wasn't making a move toward the bag, suddenly refocussed on Kelley's body, on finding the tenderest places to set her mouth.

They eventually pulled apart enough to dig through Emily's pack, got distracted half way through getting set up, and finally made it back to the bed. Kelley lay back, loving how she could spread out on the big bed, reaching out to prod Emily closer until she could wrapped her legs around Emily's ass.

"Give me room to work, babe. Geez." Emily muttered as she skated her hands up Kelley's thighs. "Fuck, you're . . . god, babe, you're really wet. Can I just . . ."

"Yeah" Kelley urged, and a second later she felt the toy slide in.

She closed her eyes almost as soon as they started - loving how Emily's weight pressed her deep into the bed, loving the way their hips rolled together - loving Emily, though she couldn't quite say it. There was something urgent, almost desperate, about the little noises Emily was making every time she fucked into her, and about how her hands clutched at Kelley's body. It make Kelley feel wanted, oddly more secure, in a way she hadn't even known she was missing. But something guilty twisted in her chest as she thought about the price for that feeling being Emily's imminent move.

She stopped thinking. Opened her eyes to find Emily close above her, and leaned up to set her teeth against Emily's collar bone - sucking and biting until the noises Emily was making spurred her on to wrap her legs high around Emily's waist and hilt her hips up. Emily was bottoming out on every stroke now - Kelley's clit was grazing her sweaty skin every time.

Kelley breathed, " _Fuck_ , please - Em _please_?" and clutched hard, feeling Emily read her perfectly and stay deep, the pressure merciless against her clit to making her shake. Suddenly she was coming hard, clinging to Emily - the only stable point she could imagine in this moment - as the waves of orgasm rolled through her. As they subsided she managed to pry her eyes open to see Emily's face - attentive, awed, almost sad. Kelley had no words to respond to that expression, so she just fumbled between them until she could slip her fingers past the harness and against Emily's clit.

"Babe, yes _please._ " Emily blurted, her stomach tensing hard at the pressure. "Can I . . . I've gotta keep fucking you. Please, can I?" Her hips were jerking with every move of Kelley's fingers and here, _here_ was a way Kelley knew to answer that expression.

"Yeah fuck, Em, I love that. Come for me, babe. Come on . . ."

Kelley felt her own breath speeding up again as Emily rocked into her hard, her rhythm faltering. Emily buried her face against Kelley's neck as she started to fall apart, breathing "Kelley . . . Kelley . . ." damp and hot against Kelley's skin as she came.


	2. Visiting Emily in Orlando

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reception of this whole wild notion has been the most generous and enthusiastic thing a writer could hope for. I'm kinda surprised to have originated both the Lovers To Idiots To Lovers tag _and_ the O'Sonex tag (hint hint . . . I could use some company up in this ship), but I couldn't have asked for a better reception for them. I'll do my best to do well by you as we go along!

Kelley loved her first visit to Emily in Orlando just as much as she'd loved visiting her in Portland. Maybe even a little more. She'd felt pinned in the center of Emily's focus the whole time - like Emily just couldn't soak up enough of her. They spent more middays naked in bed, more late nights talking aimlessly, more early mornings trying to get dressed for the day and failing for what felt like hours.

It felt good. But odd. And Kelley couldn't help second-guessing it a little. 

Flying back to Utah after her first visit, watching the hours of flight time stack up (and wasn't _that_ a fun new wrinkle in this whole thing) Kelley watched the midwest farmland skate by beyond the window and she wondered about Emily's focus.

In Portland - or really, wherever they'd been this past year - Emily has seemed utterly balanced, even self-contained. She's always had her own workout routines, her own crowd of soccer or non-soccer friends to talk to, her own food preferences. (Did she _ever_ have preferences. Kelley could have happily gone the rest of her life without eating avocado toast again, but would never tell Emily - Emily's excited devotion was too weirdly adorable for words.) Emily might tag along with Kelley, or invite Kelley to join her. And when they _did_ do things together she could feel Emily's attention on her - generous and absolute. But no matter how their visit went, Kelley always knew without a doubt that Sonny could take care of herself.

It had been different in Orlando. Sonny had rescheduled - and one morning even canceled - her Pride commitments around Kelley's visit. And she'd been oddly hangdog when Kelley had taken a morning to surf with Ash and another to talk shit and get pedicures with Alex. Emily had forgone the top-of-the-line gym Pride players had access to, to do bodyweight workouts with Kelley in her livingroom (well, on second thought, _that_ particular decision had resulted in an awfully nice few hours afterwards). 

Even coffee had been weird.

Kelley woke up the second morning of her visit to the smell of coffee and Emily, wide-eyed and quiet, in the bed beside her.

"Did you bring me some?" Kelley mumbled, still trying to pull herself out of sleep.

"Huh? Oh, I only made one cup. It was a while ago - I knew you wouldn't be up yet." Emily whispered back. "Go back to sleep - it's still wicked early in you timezone. I'll make you coffee in a bit."

Kelley frowned and rolled closer until she could rest against Emily's chest.

"Then why are _you_ awake?" she prodded. It was no secret - more like a running joke - how much Emily liked her sleep.

"Shh, sleep baby." Was all she got back. And so she did.

She drifted, lulled by the warmth between their bodies and the familiar smell of Emily's skin. Emily tracing endless patterns across her back with slow fingers. When she finally roused she got distracted pressing kisses down Emily's sternum, and forgot to ask about Emily's early morning coffee. But the next morning she woke again to Emily watching her - still and somber.

In retrospect, she certainly should have realized what was up her last evening in Orlando.

"We're down to a half-time practice schedule once pre-season is done." Emily said, handing Kelley a plate to dry. "Shall I book a flight up to Salt Lake? Seeing you again in two weeks would be really nice."

"What does half-time schedule mean?" Kelley asked - the Pride ran a different pre-season schedule than her Royals did.

"We only practice together every other day. I could skip a couple and stay for a week maybe?" Sonny's voice was hopeful, but - when Kelley thought about it later - there had been something in the tension of her shoulders hinting that she was bracing for rejection.

"Why would you skip practices?" Kelley took the next plate a bit sharply. "I don't know why you'd even suggest that. It is _so_ unlike you to ditch on your team. I don't want you doing that for me."

"I know. I just . . . " Emily huffed a sigh, abandoning the dishcloth to scrape at a bit of broccoli stuck to the sheet pan with her thumbnail. "Maybe Lindsay would come down." she muttered.

"You came here for your career, Em. You've gotta invest in your new teammates. If you want to grow with them I need to show them you're here one hundred percent." Kelley doubled down. She knew she probably shouldn't, but watching how easily Sonnett had canceled a Pride commitment the day before had rattled her in a way she hadn't been able to fully process, and she felt that frustration spilling out.

"I'm _trying_ , but . . . it's not it was my first year in Portland. I can't just . . . I miss being able to just . . ."

Kelley didn't bother even trying to scrape together an apology when she saw Emily start to cry, just pulled the pan from her hands and dropped it in the sink before wrapping her in a hug.

"Babe, babe I've been there," Kelley murmured, "I know it's hard. But you have to keep trying - it's your job."

"It's so. . . I'm just so tired." Emily choked out. "It was never hard getting close to people before."

"You'll figure it out." Kelley reassured her, pressing kisses to Emily's hair. "You're _so_ good with people, Em. In France you were amazing."

"That was different." Emily sounded forlorn, and Kelley had no idea how to nudge her out of it. 

"What about Ash and Ali? What about Alex? You've got France friends _here_ , babe."

"Yeah, and they've got _lives._ It's not like camp, Kel. and it's not like Portland where I had my people. I can't just butt in . . ."

"They're your teammates now, Emily." Kelley said, trying to quell her frustration. 'I promise they'll make time for you."

"Exactly. I don't want them to have to _make_ time. I'm just . . it's hard to . . ." Emily trailed off, as if too tired to keep describing whatever she was trying to say.

She made a little mewling noise, still uneven from crying, as Kelley's kisses reached her ear, and then Emily's mouth was against hers - open and sudden, her lips salty with tears. Kelley kissed back, relieved there was some kind of comfort she could offer - and glad to sidestep this thing she felt like she could barely understand.

A minute later Emily's breath had evened out and she seemed lost in Kelley's mouth. Kelley let Emily press her against the counter and then hoist her onto it, cradling Emily's jaw and tilting her face up to keep kissing.

She pulled away when Emily's hands landed on the button of her shorts. 

"Em, are you sure babe?" she asked.

"Please? I just wanna feel close to you." Emily replied.

Kelley nodded and started to pull Emily close. But Emily slipped out of her arms, sliding down until her face was against Kelley's thigh - eyes huge and intent as if she was memorizing every second.

She should have figured out what was up right then, Kelley thought, as the farms gave way to foothills outside the airplane window. She should have known before, even, but especially once Emily lost it that final night - clinging to Kelley long after they moved to the bedroom.

She should have figured out that Emily was lonely.

As soon as the plane touched down in Salt Lake Kelley pulled her phone out.

 **Worms:** Janice, baby, do me a favor?  
  
**Janice:** Wassup snookums?  
  
**Worms:** Could you look after Sonny for me?


	3. Encouraging Emily

Orlando seemed to be getting easier for Emily. Not immediately, but gradually.

Ali assured Kelley that Emily was focussed at practice. Ash had started teaching Emily to surf, already planning where they'd catch waves together on Kelley's next visit. And Marta randomly texted Kelley streams of invective about how annoying and Kelley-like Emily was when they went up against each other in practice - the exact reassurance Kelley'd been hoping for that Emily was cementing her place on her new team.

Kelley definitely wasn't checking up on Emily, she told herself. They simply had mutual friends in common.

Best of all was Alex.

Alex who had taken Emily out to her favorite vegan bistro the very next day after Kelley texted her.

Alex who started making Emily do extra strength training with her, just like Kelley would have, that same week.

Alex who sent Kelley near-daily pictures - Emily at the squat rack, Emily skeptical about oat milk, Emily after practice.

Alex who Emily had mentioned twice in passing by the end of the week.

It hadn't all been smooth. 

"You're not as crafty as you think you are." Emily's voice was tinny over the phone connection, the morning after Kelley got back to Utah. "I don't need a babysitter." 

"Alex is great, though." Kelley chirped. She'd been elated and relieved when Alex promised to take Sonny out.

"Of course she is. We know this. The whole _world_ knows this. I don't need you siccing _your friends_ on me, Kels. I'm - just don't worry about me, ok?"

"Emily" Kelley paused, unsure how to broach it, unsure whether Emily had a clear handle on her own feelings. She wished they were on facetime so she could see Emily's reactions at least. "I just think you could use some fun hangouts and stuff. I loved seeing you, but you were _so_ happy to see me - it got me wondering if maybe you were lonely."

"Of _course_ I was happy to see you. You're my . . . you're my Kelley."

"Well maybe she can be your Alex. She's the best sassy straight friend a queer girl could ask for - I promise."

"Yeah, you may have mentioned." Emily responded. Kelley hadn't divulged the finer details of her involvement with Alex, but Emily knew the broad strokes.

"Just try hanging with her tomorrow, please?" Kelley asked. "I genuinely think you guys could be really good friends - I wouldn't have stuck my nose in otherwise."

"You not sticking your nose in," Emily huffed, "that'll be the day."

But Kelley could tell from her tone that Emily was acquiescing.

"I miss you, babe." Kelley followed up. "I wish I could be there and hang out with you all the time. But I want you happy even if I can't."

"I know," Emily said, "it's just . . . I miss so many people right now. Getting to know more seems silly somehow."

"Yeah," Kelley starts, but Emily breaks in again.

"I miss you. I should have said that when you did. Thanks for visiting, I . . .I really miss you Kels."

"I know." Kelley said quietly. "I miss you too."

So she had been a little thrilled but mostly relieved when Emily seemed a little happier by the end of the week, and happier still as the weeks in Orlando added up into a month. As Emily told Kelley stories about hanging out with Alex - stories that Kelley could almost always guess the next step of, they were so familiar from her own years of friendship with Alex. As the bits and pieces - filtered through phone calls and blurry photos - built a picture of emerging friendship. She was relieved - she knew Emily was in good hands.


	4. Being Alex's

Kelley and Alex had never been a Thing. Not really.

Alex was straight. Irrevocably, confidently, publicly straight.

And Kelley had just been her Gay Friend since the beginning.

Alex was so straight, she could wrap herself completely around Kelley on national television and nobody would blink. She was so confident in it that after a while Kelley relaxed too - letting Alex stroke her thigh or fix her hair or sling a possessive arm around her neck in view of the ever-present cameras - things she would have shut down immediately from a girlfriend.

It felt like a sly hack, at first. Like a proxy for the kind of attention Kelley craved but couldn't afford on those early years of her national career. She watched her gay friends from college as they coupled off, carefree and far from the limelight, their hands so familiar with each others' bodies. Every time she went out drinking with them Kelley tensed at their recklessness in public - and every time she had to remind herself that in their lives and professions public fondness was fine, normal, even unremarkable.

So Kelley found her own solution. A close-enough that skimmed her past the media's attentions and instead centered her luxuriously in Alex's. The cheek pats, the long hugs, and teasing nicknames. They were a solution, at first, to the invisibility Kelley was fighting her hardest to maintain. But over the years that attention grew into something Kelley craved in its own right. On the field, those hard hugs and sure hands anchored her to the game. And off of it she found herself leaving her collar askew, or taking up just a little too much room when she sat. All to feel that approving, possessive laser-beam of Alex's regard. And over the years the media's (and increasingly their teammates' cameras) went from something to dodge to something to challenge - as if, by letting her eyes stay warm on Alex's face or laying her hands on Alex's bare skin, she was asking the camera ' _what DO you think you see here?'_

Alex was so straight, she'd woken after her first night in Kelley's bed, chirped "Well _that_ was fun!", and bounced into her morning routine without even the slightest wobble to her personal equilibrium - her fingers smelling of Kelley's juices until Kelley pulled her aside to wash them.

Kelley loved it. She loved how demanding Alex was, and how hard she had to work for Alex's approval - her head between Alex's legs for so long that when she finally got a "fuck, yeah Kelley" her jaw hurt too much to smile. She loved how picky Alex got about what she was or wasn't interested in doing to Kelley in return. And she loved how their nights together (and then afternoons, and after that occasionally the post-practice showers) meant everything about their friendship - the literal friends with benefits. And most of all she loved how easy it was to find and keep that warm center of Alex's attention and approval when they were in bed - when there was a closed door (or at least a shower curtain) between the two of them and the rest of the world. 

When Alex got engaged Kelley asked what should change. But Alex just said "you're my celebrity free pass." and shrugged off Kelley's protests that she was quiet, _quite_ sure it didn't work like that.

Kelley stayed meticulously away from Alex's room for the first year of her marriage, but she couldn't bring herself to keep her hands away when they were on the field. Alex's regard was too embedded in her experience of the game, in her sense of herself even, to relinquish.

The sex flickered in and out after that. When Kelley was in relationships of her own she stayed away from Alex. How the two of them were on the field often sparked enough insecurities for her girlfriends - she couldn't imagine pushing the envelope farther. And she was monogamous at heart, given the opportunity.

But when Kelley was single, and as normality set in at the Carrasco house, Alex did make her way back into Kelley's bed. Kelley had been her Gay Friend since the beginning, after all. If Alex's orientation made them a non-issue in public, Kelley's somehow did the same for them in private. Their nights together weren't as frequent, but Kelley could still find Alex's cheek to stroke without a second thought, and Alex's hand across her abs still gave her the same high of feel wanted that it had when she was 22. As they rounded on nine years together on the national team Kelley sometimes wondered if she should count Alex as her longest standing relationship.

And Alex had been graceful, almost off-hand, when Kelley paused at Alex's hotel room door with a soft "no thanks, babe. There's . . . she’s um . . . I think I’m in the start of something." a year ago. And she'd been just as graceful (if merciless teasing about robbing the cradle counted as grace - which, between them, it definitely did) when she found out that Kelley's someone was Emily Sonnett.  
  



	5. Being Surprised by Emily and Alex

**Sonny:** I miss your eyelashes

 **Sonny:** I miss poking your cheek freckles until you hide

 **Sonny:** I miss annoying you

 **Sonny:** Change your flight?

Kelley considered it for a full minute - sitting in the airport cafe feeling wrung out and dehydrated, not quite able to remember what Emily smelled like after nearly a month apart. She thought about falling asleep tonight against Emily's shoulder instead of on yet another hotel pillow. She thought about having the next three days together in luxurious privacy before they rolled into camp. Three days of waking up together, of making coffee naked, of goading Emily in workouts and watching her soak it up until her footwork was a blur, of those sweet sounds Emily made at the slightest touch - so responsive, so playful, and always so eager to give back. 

**KO:** I can’t, baby - that speaking gig thing is tomorrow morning

 **Sonny:** Oh yeah...

 **KO:** I wish I could

 **KO:** I'll see you at camp, baby. Just 3 more days.

Her trip to Sacramento had turned into a bit of a shit show, to be honest. Her speaker's slot on the conference agenda got rescheduled later - far into the afternoon she'd set aside for the long drive to the coast to surf and take _some_ kind of advantage of being in California. She went for a run, but every trail seemed to be beside an interstate and the dry heat was dusty and merciless without the sea breeze she was used to. She eyed the hotel bar on the way back up to her room, but it was full of conference attendees; she knew better than to put herself in proximity to self-important men and readily-available alcohol when she was already feeling maudlin.

At 7pm she FaceTimed Emily, naked. She'd been in self-imposed exile in her room for the last two hours, and she was twitchy with social isolation and the oozing regret of time misspent. She needed just a little lift, a little reminder of what was waiting for her. She just needed a little of Emily's attention.

The overly-air-conditioned room had drawn her nipples into tiny peaks. She eyed them in her phone's video, bemused like always by the cheery pink - she alway expected them to match her freckles for some reason - while she waited for Emily to pick up.

"Kelley! We were just talking about you." Emily was talking before she was even looking at her phone. Kelley loved this - the way they just plunged into the middle of conversations. She felt her shoulders relax just at the sound of Emily's voice. "Remember after the world cup when - ohhhhh _hello Kelley breasts, hi..._ oh wow, um..." Emily halted, stumbling, as Alex's face popped frame next to her.

Kelley froze, too surprised to even angle the camera away.

"Wow Wormy, warn a girl." Alex laughed. She turned to Emily and asked "how often does she pull stunts like this, Guppy?"

"I know my timezone math, Alex." Kelley volleyed back. "What are you even doing there? It's long past social hour." Kelley clutched her free arm across her chest, strangely embarrassed even though Alex had probably still seen her naked more times than Emily had.

"Geez, _some_ one's a little snippy when she isn't getting any." Alex replied, completely unruffled, tilting her head onto Emily's shoulder. The two of them were slumped on Emily's couch, looking far more comfortable than Kelley was feeling.

"We were just having a little pre-party before the camp diet starts." Emily broke in, her tone the same one she used to smooth over Rose and Sammy's arguments. She held a beer bottle up towards the camera with a half smile. "I miiight have bought your fave when I was trying to sweet-talk you into coming here . . . so, you're here with us in spirit?"

Alex leaned farther over Emily's lap to brandish a bag of beet and sweet potato chips at the camera. She looked loose and over-enthusiastic, and just as Kelley as noticed the tells of Alex's tipsiness, Alex tilted the bag too far until the crumbs were tumbling out.

The camera jolted as Emily jumped a little. "Alex! Careful - I just washed these. Here, let me take the bag."

"Guppy, you're no fun." Alex whined, picking up stray beet chips from what Kelley could only guess was Emily's lap and nibbling it.

"We were just talking . . ." Emily paused to switch hands and move the chip bag out of Alex's reach, "about how you squirrel-jumped Alex after the world cup. And how there should be more celebrations like that."

"Hm-mm," Alex broke in, still chewing. "I said more _players_ should celebrate like that."

"I love the photos of it, anyway." Emily said.

"Mm-hm. The pictures were cool." Kelley agreed. "I dunno, it sort of felt like _my_ thing."

"Oh you can stand to share a little, Wormy." Alex replied, pushing at Emily to long-arm for the chips again.

"Hey babe?" Emily said after a minute, "you look cold. Do you wanna put a shirt on and we could all talk a bit? Alex said you two haven't caught up for a while."

Kelley was about to agree when Alex broke in, "I should head home. And _you_ should get some sleep, Guppy. You lost the bet, remember? That means you're taking first shift tomorrow."

"First shift?" Kelley asked, feeling like she'd lost all the conversation threads at once.

"Yeah, we canceled our plane tickets - we're driving to camp!" Alex said as she got off the couch - her voice carrying through the phone even as Kelley heard the familiar creak of Emily's coat-closet door. "It's road trip time, baby! We got an airbnb near that cute vegan place in Springfield for tomorrow night. And I'm gonna have my own private ride to use on rest days - it's gonna be great."

Kelley was half listening and half watching Emily. Emily's focus was drifting - she wasn't drunk, but was definitely a bit hazy. Her gaze slowly made its way back from whatever Alex was doing to the screen of her phone and she gave Kelley a slow smile - the soft one that only came out on late nights or at private jokes. 

"I'm pretty sleepy, babe." Emily said regretfully. "And - you know me - I haven't packed yet."

"I should let you go then." Kelley replied 

She was about to follow up, to say that she'd see Emily the day after tomorrow, when Alex's voice crackled through the speaker again.

"Guppy come wait for my Uber with me - if my driver kills me you'll need you to pick them out of the lineup." 

Kelley rolls her eyes and just mouths "bye" winces an apology. She's familiar with tipsily-decisive Alex, and knows that Emily will be busy making sure Alex gets out the door and into the waiting car, and probably being on the receiving end of a 15-minute stream of texts Alex will send until she gets home - at least, that's how it always worked for Kelley. She realizes suddenly that she has no idea whether Alex does that with her other friends, or if it was just for her.

She realizes still naked and half-perched on her chilly hotel bed, after Emily has blown her a kiss and hung up the call, that she didn't know what the bet was. And that she hadn't asked about 'Guppy' either.


	6. Being Jealous of Emily and Alex

It would probably be overstating things, Kelley thought, to say that it was her most challenging camp. But she'd never had a camp before where she spent so much of it not understanding what was going on - or one where she took herself by surprise quite so often.

Kelley had never been one for moping. She was too restless, too extroverted, too social. When one part of her life was tough there was always another one to focus on. When she finally arrived after flight delays, and trundled into the hotel just in time for team dinner, and when she heard Emily's full-bellied laugh as soon she entered the room, her chest filled with something light and sparkly that felt a lot like relief. But when, in the next moment, Kelley caught a glimpse of Emily playfully holding a serving dish out of reach while Alex tugged at her, Kelley froze at the door. She just didn't have the energy for the team's hijinks after her long travel day, she told herself. It was just as well nobody had noticed her yet. Some snacks in her room would do for tonight. She would be better - it would all be better - after some rest.

And Kelley had never been one for possessiveness . . . well, no, that was a lie. Kelley was madly possessive of her place in her friends' lives. After a career, a _life,_ of being the odd one out - always too loud, too hot-headed, too much - she clung to the people who welcomed her. She worked her way into the center of their attentions as often as they'd let her, rarely bothering to think about the cost to herself. The glow of her friends attention, and the satisfaction when they let her lavish her energy on them in return, always felt so joyful in the moment - she never really thought about what drove her to seek and cling to those moments, about what need in herself she might unwittingly be trying to solve.

She didn't _need_ to to seek out Emily, it turned out. After a restless night she half-roused in the gray dawn light rap on the door. She watched as Sam staggered over to open it. A few murmurs and Sam was grabbing a hoodie and slipping out of the room as Emily padded towards Kelley's bed, softly sleep-rumpled and smiling.

Things weren't different between them at all that morning. Not in bed as Emily's cold hands slipped under Kelley's shirt, or afterwards as she whispered "I missed you Kels . . . missed you so much" against Kelley's neck, pulling away between kisses, eyes wide as she drank in Kelley's stare. It wasn't that different in the shower where neither of them managed to wash their hair but Emily ended up biting her own arm to stay quiet, or as they were dressing for breakfast when Emily darted into Kelley's messy suitcase to steal Kelley's lucky underwear and slip them on - smug and shameless.

Kelley had always been one to know her own mind. And she'd prided herself, over the past year, in how well she was starting to understand Emily's. That confidence drained out of her - leaving her dizzy and unnerved - at breakfast.

They were nearly through the food line. Emily had been telling Kelley some shaggy dog story - nudging her shoulder to prolong their body contact from the morning, under the guise of jostling to keep her attention. Then her shoulder was cold, the spot beside her empty and Emily's plate abandoned by the buffet, and Emily was bouncing across the room to greet Alex. 

Kelley watched, rooted to the spot, until Alyssa cleared her throat and made to long-arm around Kelley to reach the eggs.

Emily had bounced away a hundred times, in a hundred different hotels, over the years. And Kelley had done the same. Friends, family, whatever gregarious social connection was waiting. But something here was different. The way Emily's body tilted toward Alex was a replica of endless photos over the years - of Kelley's body tilted toward Alex, Kelley's face angled up like that, radiating eagerness, hoping for approval. And Alex's arm was looped close around Sonny's neck in a way it never was around Allie's - in a way that Kelley could almost feel across her own neck just from looking. She felt as if she was watching herself - and something so familiar had never felt so alien.

Emily towed Alex to their table and the three of them shared an odd, halting breakfast conversation. Any two of them could talk, but it somehow trickled down to nothing when the three of them tried. Alex didn't seem bothered by it - Alex didn't seem that different than how she usually was, really. She'd stopped touching Sonny when they settled down to eat, but the resigned Alex-smirk on her face when she looked at Sonny felt eerily reminiscent of the Alex-smirks Kelley was used to getting.

Kelley wasn't trying very hard to talk, even as the conversation sputtered. All her effort was going into keeping her body calm, her breath even. She wanted to run her hand far too far up Emily's thigh, wanted to rest her arm across Emily's shoulders, pull her in with a hand heavy on her neck and kiss her right here in front of half the team. And at the same time she wanted to pull away, scoot her chair, avoid Emily's eye contact and storm out as soon as Emily asked what was wrong. It felt like the ground was shifting under her. The morning she and Emily had just shared had felt intimate, comforting, utterly normal. But in this instant it all felt unreal, almost un-truthful, and Kelley felt left with nothing to stand on.

Kelley had never thought she was much of one for possessiveness. Aside from the lengths she would go for attention. But maybe, she thought, as she concentrated on the taste of her coffee - and not the way that Alex had just stolen Emily's knife without asking to cut her cantaloup - just maybe she'd been wrong.

Kelley had never been one for jealousy. Until after practice when Alex pulled Sonny with her into the post-practice media interviews. Until Alex leaned close to Sonny and tucked a few blond flyaways behind her ear, the sharp snick of camera shutters clattering in front of them. But then - then Kelley burned.


	7. Lying to Emily and Alex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are folks - the pinnacle of the angst. I cried so much writing this, my cats got worried.  
> Hang tight and stick with it (if that's best for you) - there's lots of figuring out and repairing in chapters to come.

All week, Kelley's feelings felt like they were stepping from a sauna to an ice bath and back again - from the bone-deep comforting warmth of Emily's attentions, to the cold shock of watching Emily and Alex absorbed in each other, and back to warmth as Emily crept into her bed, innocent and soft, as if nothing at all was wrong.

Emily found her way into Kelley's bed nearly every morning, but Kelley was seeking out Emily every chance she could, too - so often that both their roommates murmured threats of complaining to the coaching staff. When they were together it was serene, it was normal, it was so reassuring.

She managed to ask Emily, once, near the end of camp.

"What's up with you and Alex?" she whispered into Emily's hair, half-hoping Emily wouldn't hear her.

"Mm, you were right that she's good people." Emily whispered back. "It's, like, that new-friend high. Ya'know? I know I've been kind of going on an Alex binge these last couple weeks..."

Kelley could feel Emily's shoulders tense a little - maybe from trying to talk about this, or maybe in response to how much tension Kelley was holding as she listened - she couldn't tell.

"She's so much like you." Emily continued. "I feel like we had in-jokes, mm . . . like right away, because of the ones I have with you. You were right to connect us," Emily turned over, pulling Kelley closer, "I'm sorry I was so resistant. I get it now - you were just taking care of me."

Emily seemed anxious. Like she was trying to fix or apologize for something. But Kelley couldn't process, could hardly hear it. That word, that tiny word, _we_ , had caught in her mind and was echoing there - ambiguous perhaps, but feeling like an admission.

Kelley let herself be pulled close. She burrowed down between Emily's breasts, kissing and biting a little and breathing in deep - trying to memorize everything in case, just in case, this was the last time.

She couldn't find the words to voice her fears, couldn't find the voice to ask Emily for more clarity. And with that word, _we_ , still stuck in the middle of her brain she didn't trust herself to ask calmly even if the questions were there. But she let her mouth and hands talk instead, and Emily's answered - hungry and eager, interpreting it as reassurance maybe, or forgiveness. Pressing in damp and warm - never close enough, never done.

When they were together, her instincts told her she had nothing to worry about.

And when they were apart she worried about everything.

She couldn't fault Emily for her bouncy enthusiasm over Alex. Kelley had felt like that for years, had acted like that for years. Watching Emily seek Alex's opinion, glow in her approval, felt like the most familiar thing in her whole mixed-up tumble of feelings, in some ways. Asking Emily to do anything different would have been hypocrisy - how could she ask Emily not to behave a way she'd behaved, not to feel a way she'd felt for years.

And Alex's demeanor towards Emily was so familiar that Kelley realized, for the first time since joining the national team, that even when she and Alex weren't hooking up Alex behaved _very_ differently with her than with their other friends. Seeing Alex's eye-rolling toleration of Sonny's antics, the way Alex took Sonny under her wing with the press and nutrition and workouts, felt like seeing the Alex she'd met all those years ago. Kelley was flooded with gratitude - for Alex's patience with her when she was new and green and hot-headed, and for Alex's willingness to look after Sonny now.

The only time she talked to Alex alone about it, it oddly mirrored what she'd heard from Sonny.

"I don't know how you made a mini-me, Wormy, but you seriously did." Alex said, as they idled at the stoplight, smoothies sweating in the warm car. "She's just so much _fun._ I love how you and I are friends now, you know I do, but Guppy is like getting baby KO all over again, it's . . . it's almost spooky sometimes, but we have _so_ much fucking fun."

Kelley played her smoothie straw across her lips even as her stomach soured. She couldn't ask any follow-up, couldn't even find it in her to change the subject - not with that word _we_ hooked into her brain again

The picture of what must be happening between Alex and Emily took shape her brain, in clearer focus every day. When Kelley had looked at Alex like that over breakfast, she'd been spending her evenings begging Alex to let her go down on her. And when Alex hugged Kelley close like that for all the cameras, she'd spent her lunch breaks filling Kelley's phone with texts implying that Kelley'd better improve her dirty talk next time.

But there was nothing duplicitous about Emily - there wasn't, there _couldn't_ be. She was too transparent, too much of a worrier, too anxious of everyone else's feelings - almost to the detriment of her own sometimes (Kelley had talked to her about this).

So, for days, until almost the very end of camp, Kelley couldn't square in her mind the feeling of home when Emily's hands were on her, and the way Emily and Alex looked at each other over the lunch table.

It came to her - so certain that it felt like the knowledge had been there all along - that Emily must be indulging her.

Because when Kelley had looked at Alex like that, she hadn't wanted her hands on anyone else.

Because when Kelley had stood in front of cameras like that, with the secrets of her orientation in pseudo- plain sight, Kelley hadn't wanted to turn to someone else after. Especially not someone as unsure and off kilter and frustrated as Kelley herself was right now. Not with Alex's sureness and confidence right there.

They must both be indulging her, she realized on the last full day of camp. She was grateful that they hadn't been too obvious in front of her. That the banter and mentorship were all she'd seen. But she had been the recipient of those fond looks from both of them - they could only mean one thing, she was certain. They were indulging her - trying to be kind, to let her down softly. It was obvious, Kelley realized, that she was in the way. 

And if they weren't going to do anything about it, well, Kelley could be the bigger person - she could do it for them.

Kelley avoided Emily that night. Saw Emily talking to Sam outside their room, and instead of joining them she eased back inside and punched the highest number she could.

She made her way up to the roof - to an un-used terrace, heat lamps looming but cold.

She hadn't let herself think about the real problem here - not since she realized that they were indulging her. Hadn't thought about what it might mean to lose Emily - to not get to adore her, not get to pour that effortless wellspring of fondness towards her every day. Hadn't let herself process where this whole mess left her, now that her very best friend and the woman she was in love with . . . and, oh god, _those_ were words she would need to root out . . . 

She hadn't let herself lose it until that night, curled on the crinkly rain-guard of an outdoor lounge chair, the evening chill soaking into her as she let her breath go ragged - felt the tears come, hot and stingy. Until she was shaking and not even able to catch a breath between sobs. Until the neck of her tshirt was drenched with tears she hadn't bothered to wipe away.

She didn't know how long she stayed on the roof. Far past curfew, surely. Long enough that she was cold to the bone when she finally slipped back inside, exhausted and resigned. Long enough that she was still cold when she woke up the next morning alone, sat up, and stared with puffy eyes at the suitcase she had start packing.

She wrapped herself in a plaid flannel - carefully not one of Emily's - and found them at breakfast. Sonny had sweet-talked the cook into a poached egg, and was eating it rapturously while Alex muttered snide snippets about the advantages of a vegan diet.

"Hey, could I talk to you guys after breakfast?" she asked, plopping down with just a coffee - she couldn't stomach anything else, not with what she knew she had to do.

Alex nodded.

"Are you ok Kels?" Emily asked, reaching to rub Kelley's arm. Her skin was warm, soft, soothing even now. "You look sorta peaky. Did you want some food?"

"I'm fine." Kelley shook her head and took her eyes away from Emily's, focusing on her cup. 

"Your face looks kinda puffy. Are you sure you're not getting sick or something?"

"Em . . . eat your egg while it's hot." was all Kelley could bring herself to reply.

She wasn't sure how to start, once the three of them were sitting in Alex's nondescript hotel room - Allie already gone to catch an early flight.

"I'm going to take myself out of this equation." she finally said with a rush, relieved to have started somehow. until she realized from their puzzled looks that they hadn't understood.

"Alex," she tried again, making herself get as clear as possible - there was _no_ way she could do this more than once, "thank you for taking Sonny under your wing when I asked you to. And I'm . . . I'm glad for you, for you two. That it's turned into something that, that you enjoy like . . . I know how you enjoyed it with me, I mean. I'm glad that you have that in your life. You deserve to have fun with good people. And Emily is really good people."

She plowed on, even though Alex was opening her mouth to ask a question. This would be the hard part. Somewhere between the rooftop and falling asleep last night she'd realized that she was in love with Emily. But the way Emily looked at Alex, and the more than 2300 miles between Orlando and Utah made that an impossibility. She could gladly have overcome one, but she knew both were beyond her - for once in her life, Kelley would stop trying when any normal person would stop. She felt her lungs tensing up, felt the tears trying to well again now, as she prepared herself to end it. 

"Emily, it's been . . . you've been great. I'm glad you found someone that you . . . um, I know how I felt when I looked at Alex like that. And I know how special she is. So, it's been fun. And I think you're great. And," she took a deep breath, knowing they'd understand this time, "I'm going to take myself out of this equation."

"Wormy, what the fuck?" Alex broke in. 

Kelley had been poised for a reaction from Sonny, but Sonny was staring at the carpet, her hand clutching her sweatshirt tight across her stomach as if it hurt. Kelley wondered fleetingly if the egg had been fully cooked.

"Worms!" Alex said again.

"Yeah . . ." Kelley tore her eyes away from Emily (she would miss looking at her so much. If she didn't know that this was for Emily's own good she could never...) and focused on Alex.

"I don't know what it is you're saying I'm enjoying, here." Alex said. "Hanging out with Gupps is like hanging out with you - you _know_ how much fun we have. That's all. There's nothing . . . there's no . . ."

"Yeah. Alex." Kelley responds. "We had lots of kinds of fun."

She _had_ to be firm. And she _had_ to convey that this was alright. Even though she'd just managed to somehow completely replace herself in the lives of the two people who mattered most, even though this was the _farthest_ thing from alright, she had to leave them confident that she'll be graceful about this whole thing. They were still teammates. And Kelley was a professional. And - even though some deep part of her was furious - she loved them both endlessly. If this was what they wanted, she would find a way to want it for them too.

"It's ok, you guys." She said - she could feel herself lying, and she focussed on keeping her voice steady. "It's really ok."

Her attention drifted back to Emily, whose knuckles were still clenched so tight that they were white. Emily takes a shaky breath, lifting her head but not quite making eye contact. "Did I not . . . " her eyes sink back to the carpet, but she visibly rallies a little, forcing herself to finish the thought. "What did I do wrong?" she asks. And it's all Kelley can do not to rush to her, not to wrap her in her arms.

Alex does it for her. Pulls Emily in, murmuring "Oh Guppy" and making soothing sounds. Kelley half expects Emily to melt, to burrow into Alex's neck the way she always burrows into Kelley's when she was upset. But Emily stays oddly stiff in Alex's arms and Kelley feels guilty relief that she _doesn't_ need to see Emily take comfort from Alex, that she won't have that mental image to torture herself with later.

"Emily, listen to me." Kelley can't make eye contact with her, can hardly watch Emily's body language. She'd expected them both to be relieved, and she wonders for a split second if she made a mistake - if she's been misinterpreting everything. But she knows that her overactive brain is a wishful thinker. 

"You didn't do _anything_ wrong." Kelley reassured Emily as best she could. "You're great - you're so great. But just, with the distance and everything . . . and I can see how you and Alex . . ."

"How we what?" Emily asks, mournful, almost a whine.

"I'm not blaming you, Em," Kelley rushes, "I get it - I really do. Just know that I had a really good time with you, ok?"

It's all Kelley can say. She can't say how much she'll miss her, or the word _love_ will slip out. Can't talk about how soft her hands always felt against Kelley's skin, how warm and reassuring and steady her attention was - in person, on the phone, in the three dots immediately bouncing back whenever Kelley texted. She can't go there, or she'll go all the way.

She realizes, suddenly, that she's done. That she has nothing left to say - nothing she can _safely_ say, at least.

She straightens, moves towards them, and kisses the crowns of their heads. Alex first, who looks up at her sharply, clearly puzzled and almost accusatory. Emily next. Emily gives a small sound as Kelley does it - wordless and wild, like a hurt animal.

Kelley closes the hotel room door behind her. Kelley rides the elevator down a floor to her own room, and starts packing. Kelley turns in her key, hugs goodbye to the teammates in the lobby, and catches a Lyft to the airport. And Kelley feels nothing.

Kelley checks her bag and goes through security. Kelley refills her water bottle and finds her gate. Kelley sits to wait, and then suddenly can't sit any more, can't be still, can't breath, can't anything - suddenly realizes there are tears running down her cheeks.

Kelley cries herself out, as silent as she can manage, in the farthest stall of the bustling airport bathroom. And then she finds the nearest bar. She stays until her flight is called.


	8. Lying Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me, folks! I know the chapter I posted yesterday was a real rough one, so following up today to pull us all a little ways out of the depthy-est depths of O'Sonex sadness. At least I hope so - KO's still pretty In It here.

When Kelley got back to Utah, she ran. She ran until her off-pitch miles surpassed her on-pitch miles by a number they never had before. She ran until her ankle was on the edge. She ran until the voice of every coach and trainer she'd had since her ankle surgery echoed in her head - telling her she was putting her career on the line, telling her this would impact her game, telling her this was unprofessional, telling her to get a grip.

After that Kelley swam. She swam until her lungs were aching and she gasped for air at the wrong time and found water instead - surfacing choking and gasping at the deep end, hauling herself out on trembly arms to hunch on the edge of the pool until she found enough air to go again.

Kelley cooked. Not for herself - that sour feeling that had gripped her stomach when Alex said "we" never really seemed to leave. She managed to get her baseline nutrition in, but it was mechanical, joyless. But Kelley cooked. Fried chicken from scratch four times in three days, until she'd run out of omnivorous friends to pass it off on. Many-layers veggie lasagnas that she would stair at, bubbling and fragrant as they cooled on her stovetop, and finally freeze whole. A birthday cake for Allie - the cake rounds baked and cooling before she realized she wouldn't _see_ Allie again for another three weeks. She ended up making a big deal of the half-birthday of the executive assistant of the Royals' GM - a mousy woman who seemed mostly perplexed when Kelley presented the fully iced cake heaped with berries.

Kelley sat in the gym sauna, willing the heat to ease her aching body, until her brain settled and suddenly she was thinking. Thinking of Emily's smile, and that dear soft patch of skin behind Emily's ear - a sweet little indent just waiting for Kelley to bury her nose there. Thinking of Emily's strong arms around her last fall when her ankle put her out of the Royals games, of the way Emily held her for hours while she cried and grumbled and worked to find a silver lining. Thinking of Emily's pleading voice when Kelley's fingers were deep in her, the way her hips met Kelley's hand with every stroke, how she'd bury her face in Kelley's shoulder as if it was all too much even as she begged Kelley to go harder, and the way her whole body would shake as she came. Thinking of Emily ten days ago - her expression shocked to emptiness, asking what she'd done wrong.  
Kelley lasted five minutes in the sauna.

At the end of the first week she got a parcel from Ali and Ash. Hear heart gave an odd sideways jump when she opened it to find her own hoodie and flannel, a couple graphic novels, a funny owl figurine she'd picked up in Algarve, and her lucky and second-most-lucky pairs of underwear. All things she'd loaned to (well, left for) Emily on various visits. She lifted the flannel to her cheek, hoping that Emily's smell had lingered, but it smelled oddly of of Ali and Ashlyn - of their detergent, she realized after a moment.

There was a note at the bottom, in Ali's neat lettering:

 _KO -  
Seems like something big went down. I don't know details, but I'm so sorry, friend. You seemed good for each other - happy together.  
Take good care of yourself, ok? I'm sure it's hard right now but it _ _will_ _get better. Call us any time.  
Sonny seems a little shell-shocked but she'll work it out - you know how resilient she is.  
Love you babe,  
A + A_

Shellshocked. Kelley hated it. Hated the word, the thought of Sonny that way. She'd wanted Sonny to feel liberated - to lift a weight off and send her towards something she seemed excited about. If she hadn't managed that . . . if Sonny was paying the cost of this just like Kelley was . . .

It was for the best, Kelley told herself. Emily would be fine - they would all be fine. Just like Ali’s said. Kelley had always been able to trust her own read of people, and this was what her gut had told her to do. She’d done the right thing, and it would all - eventually, somehow- be fine.

She heard the unquiet voice deep in her brain question that. The same way it had questioned when she told them it was all ok back in that hotel room, back when Alex was looking at her like she was crazy and Emily couldn’t look at her at all. But she couldn’t listen. 

She repacked the box and slid it under her bed. She’d deal with that later - once she was fine.

The second week home Kelley had PRed her bench press. The ceiling of her gym was beige - acoustic tiles in a metal frame. Kelley had the tiles above her bench memorized. The sameness of her mornings so stifling it became reassuring - the throb of her ankle, the feel of the bench under her shoulders, the salt tang of her own sweat, the ceiling tiles in their mesmerizing grid. 

Kelley PRed on Tuesday. On Wednesday she was back on the lifting bench again.


End file.
